Awful. Just Awful.

The longest, most regular and steady relationship in my life has ended. The JP and Ashley team no longer exists. It's weird writing this down, and allowing people to see it. For the record, I have yet to pick up my hygiene skills again. I have lived in my room since I got home. I finally cleaned up the mountain of tissues, read Harry Potter 6, and slept. I only left my room to pee and take my niece to and from camp feed my fish and feed my sister's friend's cats. That sounds like a lot, but it really isn't. I sleep for at least 16 hrs. I am having a lot of trouble coping.

The worst part of it is that we broke up because I couldn't find myself and he was tired of me getting my heart broken. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? He's supposed to be the one I go to about these things! When he gets upset, I want to go and kill the person who did it, I only don't on his request! When I need him, I feel like it's a burden. Now that we're both gay, all hell has broken loose. I expect to at least have the option to be a slut, while he simply and continuously claims that "Monogamy is for Lesbians." So, he can slut himself out to 200+ people, but when I just wanna get laid, I'm supposed to wait for the "perfect person" and stay "good" for 15 years? Bull shit!

It's not fair. I hate sex with men. It makes me ill. I hate penes, they make me gag. It's unfortunate. Of course now that I'm gay, men are all over me. Irony's a bitch.

JP doesn't know what is wrong between us, I don't know what's wrong between us, but it's always me who makes the major sacrifice. I was prepared to go back to the way it was before. I was going to give up all hope of happiness and just regress to, what I call "Ponytail Ashley." We were happy then.

I just want to be happy again.